Wanted to write about a new chapter of my life yet decided to dwell on this particular scenario that has been in my life dangling around for way too long.
This new phase of life is again yet connected to her.
She message me at night asking am I sleep, I was happy thinking maybe there was something that I wanted to hear would be spill out from her. I've got my guessing wrong in fact she just ask me to go to her office for an interview. A job was introduce to me, I was declining it very hard at first, because first I don't think I'm capable for the job, it's not my passion either, and the second reason was because it would have meant to be in the same company with her. I was reluctant.
Yet in the end, I was offered the job. Not only was I offered the job, I was place in the same floor as her and the person that hire me, so happen sat opposite her. Yes, the world is very very small.
What makes it more peculiar was that even though I was at the same floor with her for about four days now, we haven't met each other. Yes, i think we did change eye contact but don't know why. Both of us didn't take the first move to do the handshake thing. I just don't know what's wrong. Was it that she's thinking I'm not pretty thus avoiding the contact. or she really didn't saw?
She didn't initiate lunch time together either, maybe she was just busy was what I could think of. Each time I thought that she was not willing to care for me, she gives me that small sweet to make me go all goo-gaagaa for her.
I'm tired, seriously. We haven't met before, now even we're in the same company yet we haven't met before either. Just feeling sad, like what are we? I've sat on her chair, on her table and maybe even use the same toilet cubicle. WTF
the care she shower for me was unconditional. first day I was in the company for less than 2 hours, she already ask me how was my day. Then off and on she showed me her care. I just don't know.
Am I thinking too much? or there was still something in us?
We haven't met, yet we've known each other for almost 9 years now. Sigh.. what have fate behold us?
Showing posts with label Her Unsent Letter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Her Unsent Letter. Show all posts
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
可以不要坚强吗？
其实、一直没有人能够懂我、我习惯了假装坚强、习惯了一
其实.，我很累了.
其实，一直没有人能够懂我，我习惯了假装坚强，习惯了一
我不知道自己到底想怎样
有时候
我可以很开心的和每个人说话，可以很放肆的.
可是没有人知道那不过是伪装，很刻意的伪装
我可以让自己很快乐很快乐
可是却找不到快乐的源泉，只会让自己傻笑
不习惯把事跟很多人说，因为我不习惯别人用可怜的眼光看
其实，我很珍惜身边的人，只是生活的压力让我善于遗忘，
我以为遗忘可以让自己快乐起来...
可我感觉到的却是更多的寂寞
黑夜来袭，周围的空气很躁.....
一个人爬在窗前，对着窗外的人群发呆.....
也不知道自己在想什么.. 想很多很多，想到头痛，想到心痛。
怀念过去？仅此而已.. ？
其实我很累了，真的想放下所有...
何时发现我不 在爱写日记，即使心里有好多事，我也宁愿憋在心里，不是
挂了FB却不上线
挂了FB却不聊天
只是反复着打开空间，关闭空间..
何时
我不再喜欢追逐打闹，却很想和以前一样活蹦乱跳
何时
我沉默的不再爱说话.却很想找个知心朋友向她倾诉所有.
我喜欢在很静很静的黑夜，又害怕静静的黑夜。关了灯让寂
我也会偶而想和朋友聚聚..
或开心
或失望.
我也会偶尔找寻发泄的方法
或有效
或更伤
偶而也会寂寞的拿起手机翻开通信录，一遍一遍的....
当自己无助的时候，会想到，该怎么办 到底怎么办，去和朋友说？
又能和谁说。
亲爱的自己、醒醒吧。学会去承受。学会去面对现实吧。
告诉自己要成为一个现实的人，一定要变得现实。
其实.，我很累了.
其实，一直没有人能够懂我，我习惯了假装坚强，习惯了一
我不知道自己到底想怎样
有时候
我可以很开心的和每个人说话，可以很放肆的.
可是没有人知道那不过是伪装，很刻意的伪装
我可以让自己很快乐很快乐
可是却找不到快乐的源泉，只会让自己傻笑
不习惯把事跟很多人说，因为我不习惯别人用可怜的眼光看
其实，我很珍惜身边的人，只是生活的压力让我善于遗忘，
我以为遗忘可以让自己快乐起来...
可我感觉到的却是更多的寂寞
黑夜来袭，周围的空气很躁.....
一个人爬在窗前，对着窗外的人群发呆.....
也不知道自己在想什么.. 想很多很多，想到头痛，想到心痛。
怀念过去？仅此而已.. ？
其实我很累了，真的想放下所有...
何时发现我不 在爱写日记，即使心里有好多事，我也宁愿憋在心里，不是
挂了FB却不上线
挂了FB却不聊天
只是反复着打开空间，关闭空间..
何时
我不再喜欢追逐打闹，却很想和以前一样活蹦乱跳
何时
我沉默的不再爱说话.却很想找个知心朋友向她倾诉所有.
我喜欢在很静很静的黑夜，又害怕静静的黑夜。关了灯让寂
我也会偶而想和朋友聚聚..
或开心
或失望.
我也会偶尔找寻发泄的方法
或有效
或更伤
偶而也会寂寞的拿起手机翻开通信录，一遍一遍的....
当自己无助的时候，会想到，该怎么办 到底怎么办，去和朋友说？
又能和谁说。
亲爱的自己、醒醒吧。学会去承受。学会去面对现实吧。
告诉自己要成为一个现实的人，一定要变得现实。
PS: got this article from Jessie through Facebook sharing.
Friday, November 18, 2011
When My Whole World Was Grey
I tried to ignore you, I tried to act like we don't know each other anymore. Yet why is it that each time u show signs of caring, I just couldn't help myself but fall for you again and again. Have u put a spell on me? or am I really that loyal towards my first love.
I was afraid that you would talk to me, because I know you would question me about my future. I know you're caring but I'm just too tired to explain to you why did I choose to search for work next year. I know you care for me. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Even though I always hinted to you that I'm an mature teenager, fit for myself to do any decision which including letting you back into my life. I still ponder. I don't know how much is your love for me. After we separated, you were quick enough to get another one. I thought that maybe I just wasn't that important to you. You have your friends. and I was just a nobody that you classified as neither a sister yet not yet a close friend. I guess I'm just merely an acquaintance, a person not even fit for your circle.
I thought that if I ignore you, you would slowly hardly remember me. Like how I did previously. The message you sent to me when u mention you were sad that I didn't reply you message. I was really hopping you are really sad and not just another word which was easily type out on a keyboard but didn't really occur in your heart. I wanted to be that special one, but I know I'm not fit for you. Guess I'll always just be that little gal that forever awaits at your doorstep waiting for you to tell me who your next girlfriend is and I shall act all happy dovey about ur new relationship and ask all sorts of curiosity about how you met the new her when in fact I was bleeding when i was saying all those word. Sometimes I felt as if, our relationship just happen to be an unfinished script of love story, both of us wouldn't know the ending because we abruptly ended it when it has yet to bloom.
I remember when we broke up, you sent me a song from MLTR called 'You took my Heart Away' . You were the one who sent me that song saying I've took a part of you away, but actually you were the one that took my heart away. You were the one that care for me when I really needed someone, when I thought I was violated, when I was the lost deer at the cage, when I don't have a single friend, when I just needed unconditional love from another person not stating any gender. The way you care for me was not done to me by anyone before. I lied to you about being in a relationship, because I wanted to feel not left out as well, I wanted to be on the same par with you, but I will always be behind you. That was because you have long leave me behind, and walk ahead of me. I was the fool who still stays in the bowl of water having no idea how to jump out of it or end my misery life in it.
Even though you always say I could find you whenever I wanted to, but do I really still have the privilege? I know if I were to call, you would be there. But I just didn't wanted to be so vulnerable, like I couldn't even handle my life myself. Like I'm a ready made toufu easily squash.
If you were to ask me do I still love you? I don't know but I know I still care about you I still like you. I still want those phone calls that I've missed alot for the past 8 years almost till 9 years already. I haven't met you before, yet you have a huge impact on me. I just don't know why. Maybe I just the dumb one. I just couldn't let go.
I have friends asking me, so what gender is ur likability now? I don't have a confident answer to it. I just don't have.. I shall just follow my heart who is the person coming next.
I was afraid that you would talk to me, because I know you would question me about my future. I know you're caring but I'm just too tired to explain to you why did I choose to search for work next year. I know you care for me. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Even though I always hinted to you that I'm an mature teenager, fit for myself to do any decision which including letting you back into my life. I still ponder. I don't know how much is your love for me. After we separated, you were quick enough to get another one. I thought that maybe I just wasn't that important to you. You have your friends. and I was just a nobody that you classified as neither a sister yet not yet a close friend. I guess I'm just merely an acquaintance, a person not even fit for your circle.
I thought that if I ignore you, you would slowly hardly remember me. Like how I did previously. The message you sent to me when u mention you were sad that I didn't reply you message. I was really hopping you are really sad and not just another word which was easily type out on a keyboard but didn't really occur in your heart. I wanted to be that special one, but I know I'm not fit for you. Guess I'll always just be that little gal that forever awaits at your doorstep waiting for you to tell me who your next girlfriend is and I shall act all happy dovey about ur new relationship and ask all sorts of curiosity about how you met the new her when in fact I was bleeding when i was saying all those word. Sometimes I felt as if, our relationship just happen to be an unfinished script of love story, both of us wouldn't know the ending because we abruptly ended it when it has yet to bloom.
I remember when we broke up, you sent me a song from MLTR called 'You took my Heart Away' . You were the one who sent me that song saying I've took a part of you away, but actually you were the one that took my heart away. You were the one that care for me when I really needed someone, when I thought I was violated, when I was the lost deer at the cage, when I don't have a single friend, when I just needed unconditional love from another person not stating any gender. The way you care for me was not done to me by anyone before. I lied to you about being in a relationship, because I wanted to feel not left out as well, I wanted to be on the same par with you, but I will always be behind you. That was because you have long leave me behind, and walk ahead of me. I was the fool who still stays in the bowl of water having no idea how to jump out of it or end my misery life in it.
Even though you always say I could find you whenever I wanted to, but do I really still have the privilege? I know if I were to call, you would be there. But I just didn't wanted to be so vulnerable, like I couldn't even handle my life myself. Like I'm a ready made toufu easily squash.
If you were to ask me do I still love you? I don't know but I know I still care about you I still like you. I still want those phone calls that I've missed alot for the past 8 years almost till 9 years already. I haven't met you before, yet you have a huge impact on me. I just don't know why. Maybe I just the dumb one. I just couldn't let go.
I have friends asking me, so what gender is ur likability now? I don't have a confident answer to it. I just don't have.. I shall just follow my heart who is the person coming next.
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