I tried to ignore you, I tried to act like we don't know each other anymore. Yet why is it that each time u show signs of caring, I just couldn't help myself but fall for you again and again. Have u put a spell on me? or am I really that loyal towards my first love.
I was afraid that you would talk to me, because I know you would question me about my future. I know you're caring but I'm just too tired to explain to you why did I choose to search for work next year. I know you care for me. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Even though I always hinted to you that I'm an mature teenager, fit for myself to do any decision which including letting you back into my life. I still ponder. I don't know how much is your love for me. After we separated, you were quick enough to get another one. I thought that maybe I just wasn't that important to you. You have your friends. and I was just a nobody that you classified as neither a sister yet not yet a close friend. I guess I'm just merely an acquaintance, a person not even fit for your circle.
I thought that if I ignore you, you would slowly hardly remember me. Like how I did previously. The message you sent to me when u mention you were sad that I didn't reply you message. I was really hopping you are really sad and not just another word which was easily type out on a keyboard but didn't really occur in your heart. I wanted to be that special one, but I know I'm not fit for you. Guess I'll always just be that little gal that forever awaits at your doorstep waiting for you to tell me who your next girlfriend is and I shall act all happy dovey about ur new relationship and ask all sorts of curiosity about how you met the new her when in fact I was bleeding when i was saying all those word. Sometimes I felt as if, our relationship just happen to be an unfinished script of love story, both of us wouldn't know the ending because we abruptly ended it when it has yet to bloom.
I remember when we broke up, you sent me a song from MLTR called 'You took my Heart Away' . You were the one who sent me that song saying I've took a part of you away, but actually you were the one that took my heart away. You were the one that care for me when I really needed someone, when I thought I was violated, when I was the lost deer at the cage, when I don't have a single friend, when I just needed unconditional love from another person not stating any gender. The way you care for me was not done to me by anyone before. I lied to you about being in a relationship, because I wanted to feel not left out as well, I wanted to be on the same par with you, but I will always be behind you. That was because you have long leave me behind, and walk ahead of me. I was the fool who still stays in the bowl of water having no idea how to jump out of it or end my misery life in it.
Even though you always say I could find you whenever I wanted to, but do I really still have the privilege? I know if I were to call, you would be there. But I just didn't wanted to be so vulnerable, like I couldn't even handle my life myself. Like I'm a ready made toufu easily squash.
If you were to ask me do I still love you? I don't know but I know I still care about you I still like you. I still want those phone calls that I've missed alot for the past 8 years almost till 9 years already. I haven't met you before, yet you have a huge impact on me. I just don't know why. Maybe I just the dumb one. I just couldn't let go.
I have friends asking me, so what gender is ur likability now? I don't have a confident answer to it. I just don't have.. I shall just follow my heart who is the person coming next.
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